The Fifth Annual Vagina Beauty Pageant: A Judge’s Notes
“Didja hear the story?” pageant staff photographer Hypnox shouted over the music. “Apparently, when she was a young lady and used a tampon for the first time, she inserted it but the blood didn’t stop flowing.”
The Vagina Pageant has been criticized for its somewhat anatomically incorrect moniker. However, I’d like to state that while it might be called the Vulva Pageant, within seconds of the contest’s beginning I really did view the inside of a vaginal canal and would see several more throughout the evening.
I spied my coworker Juniper Knox from Lucky Devil Lounge across from me, fondling a blow up doll’s breasts and lip syncing to Aaliyah. Nearer, judge Rachel Reckless sat stretched and crossed her long tattooed legs, sipping her drink through platinum-capped teeth. Beside her was Jedidiah Aaker of Portlandia fame (he’s the bearded guy in the thong). To my left was Nik Sin, all 3’6” of him looking devilishly handsome. Nik has appeared on Oddities, Portlandia, Jerry Springer and Maury, and has toured the country doing his Mini Marilyn Manson impersonation. Judge Tres Shannon, of world-famous Voodoo Donut, looked across the room. “I should check on my friend, Poster Boy. He doesn’t know anybody,” he said.
“He smells bad,” I said.
“He has butter on his dick.”
That wasn’t what I expected to hear. Although I already feared that I knew the answer, I asked “Why?”
“He gets lap dances.”
Suddenly the house lights were raised, “so that the judges could see better.” I cringed at the thought of the inability to hide treacherous razor burn and blemishes. Red light absent, shit was gonna get real.
Kelsay from the Last Chance Saloon brought friends who made it rain, and she had an excellent wax job on her nether regions. So far, the first three contestants had been totally bald, and I figured that would be the case for all of them, as in years prior. Tres suddenly lobbed a golf ball at her. She caught it, threw it up in the air in a basic juggling motion, lobbed it over her shoulder, and presented her vulva to our faces. She made the “suck it” motion with her two hands over her hips. Kelsay eyed Nik and crawled to his lap. Like a mother would, I reached for the arm of his rolling chair, to keep it from moving away from the stage. Rolling chairs in a strip club really are a terrible idea, especially if the stripper is attempting a handstand on one. Nik felt the wheels turn, and yelled, “Don’t let me die!” Kelsey straightened up, and smiled. She pretended to masturbate the pole and finished her set.
Kaye from the Boom Boom Room had decorated her vulva and bum with white shimmery glitter. When she presented herself open-legged to one of the male judges, he pretended he was posing for a selfie. She smiled and held the pose as the staff photographer snapped away. It would be the perfect photo, except I’m sure Instagram would find the image to violate its terms of service.
A contender from Golden Dragon, Lux, had a tiny, fingernail-sized patch of bright pink pubic fuzz, to match her bright pink claw manicure. Thus far, it was the most pubic hair on any contestant. Lindzy from Union Jacks wore her hair knotted in a bow above her head. She wore non stripper-brand multicolored cork shoes and leather tassles and a leather fanny pack apparatus around her hips. I wondered what it held. As her song began, she strode confidently, lifted one leg to the stage, and popped the pack open, to produce a mini magnifying glass, which she held to the judge, and protruded her hips for inspection. Moments later, Lindz spread her legs and handed a mini water gun to another judge, instructing him to squirt her vulva. He happily obliged. Tres leaned in and said “I bet she’s going to Burning Man.”
While he wiped down the stage, Dick Hennessy announced the next competitor, Austin Wilde of the Kit Kat Club. “I’ve got Jesus on my side,” she bellowed, laughing as she wiped the pole. A wooden cross necklace hung on her chest, and she was dressed in a modest, black knee length dress. It is at this point that I stopped taking notes, because her stage set was spectacular. To Metallica’s “Am I Evil?” Miss Wilde lit matches on her nipples then used them to light a glass prayer candle. She dripped wax on her chest and climbed the pole to the ceiling and dropped, coming to a stop a few inches from the floor with a triumphant screech. When she began thumping her butt against judge Charlie Foxx, I moved the beers from my vicinity, and hid my phone. Luckily, this performance didn’t include a baptism in beer. Nothing spilled, and the audience howled as she bowed in conclusion.
Electra from Union Jacks performed a bellydancer-themed set. She wore a belly chain and had affixed a taint bindi above her butthole. It sparkled green against her brown. What would be the proper nomenclature, a tainti? Next up was Cypher, a positively tiny but tough Casa Diablo stripper. Cypher arrived with a bevy of tools, including a glowing vibrator, a vibrating dildo, and a suction dildo. She slammed a beautiful, pink, 8-inch suction dildo to the stage, doused it in lube, and slammed it inside of herself, never once breaking eye contact. She smirked proudly, and eyed me devilishly as she crawled to rest her legs on my shoulders and fuck herself within millimeters of my face. I knew that the toy was vibrating when I felt it bump my nose. I smiled nervously, and noticed that I sensed a fruity aroma. A delight to several senses, truly.
The next contestant, Bryanna from Boom Boom Room, was doused in liquid latex body paint of various colors and walking around fully nude. Bryanna boasted a really ‘meaty’ protruding labia minora, my most favorite thus far. “Her twat was hot,” said Tres.
At this point, my notes begin to deteriorate. I do recall that the next contestant, Ryder, from the Dolphin, was fully naked before the music was even audible. She dumped a handful of gold glitter on her lady bits, and motorboated my face. “Sorry, that was my teeth!” I yelled over the tunes, after I felt a nipple brush my grin. As this woman held herself on the pole in a pose, another contestant suddenly ran to the stage, and smiled as she gave the pole-holder what looked like a genuine pussy-lick, before running off the stage. The audience howled.
Zaeli from Club Rouge took the stage to a remixed version of the Pokémon “Gotta Catch ‘Em All” theme song, wearing a yellow crop top, mini suspenders, and faux denim shorts. She executed some impressively long pole holds and bills filled her stage. Her face remained cool and impassive. Her vulva was petite, with a tiny patch of hair.
Last year’s champion, Jordan from Rose City Strip, danced lithely and gracefully, shocking spectators when she slammed her hips upon the rack, shattering a pint glass into pieces. She glanced back, seemingly surprised, wiped her side, and continued. No vaginas were harmed during this stage set. “She just broke a glass with her ass!” Tres shouted! “And that’s why you’re the champion!”
Next up was the Girl With Two Vaginas, Taylor from Spyce. And here’s where the correct terminology is important: She has one vulva, two vaginas. Her smile stretched across her face as she produced two fuzzy-tipped glow sticks and proceeded to fuck herself in each vaginal canal [that’s one way to prove there’s two!—ed.]. The judges were all at attention and she was aimed directly at me. I’m not sure what my face looked like, but she laughed and nodded at my acknowledgement of this anatomical wonder. It was a Thing #1 and Thing #2 performance. There goes my childhood.
The next dancer, Mercedes from Dancin’ Bare, was a curvaceous, thick brunette, who dropped immediately into a backbend, and popped backwards into a split, performing naked gymnastics in all their glory. Still in a split, she rolled on her back to the other side, with vulva in full view. Tres hollered, “She just did a 680 degree roll! She rolled her vagina! It’s like the Olympics! 1,025 points for her!” And he handed me another shot. My notes got even blurrier.
Tori from Stars Beaverton approached the stage, confidently chewing gum. “Get together!” she shouted at judges Charlie Foxx and Nik Sin. Tori then lit a match, positioned it between her pussy lips, and asked Charlie to blow it out. She slid from the stage and danced, pausing to lean back on the rack in completion, her stomach and chest moving up and down in controlled breaths.
I was looking around for the waitress after calculating the space in my stomach filled with Voodoo Donuts vs the space in my stomach that could be filled with vodka when I heard Rachel Reckless squeal. The next competitor, Lextasy was smiling and pulling Rachel’s wrist to her snatch. Rachel produced a glistening set of fingers which Jedidiah leaned in to inspect with his nostrils. He nodded without smiling. This Vagina Pageant was not for prudes. Before I could remember to exhale, Lextasy squatted on to a wayward ping pong ball, suctioned it between her small lips, and stood to eject it off the stage. Bounce, bounce, bounce…surely I didn’t actually hear that, because the audience was so loud. I can’t remember what happened for a few minutes after that.
The next contestant, Daffnie, was unique for another reason: She was the only out-of-town competitor. In an email later, she told me how she came to enter the vageant:
“I heard about it a couple years ago from a friend who attended. Then I read the judging experience last year on Tits and Sass. I started looking into it more and eventually reached out to Dick Hennessy about the possibility of being a part of it. He seemed shocked that I not only had heard of it but that I was interested in participating.
I’m currently dancing at Polekatz in Chicago. I’ve been there for over four years, but also travel frequently to other cities for work. Last week was my first time to Portland! I unfortunately had tonsillitis the whole trip and that majorly affected how I experienced both the city and the competition. I plan on coming back to get a better feel for the variety of clubs and hopefully enjoy the contrast to Chicago. It did catch me slightly off guard to see how explicit you’re allowed to be on stage. I don’t mind at all, but it was not something I anticipated.”
At 2:25 am we had to hurry this along; in Portland, bars close at 2:30. We all knew who deserved to win, and the five foot tall trophy went to Austin Wilde.
The next day, Austin shared her thoughts via email:
“I really wanted to showcase everything about this city, and this industry especially, that I love. Beards, doughnuts, pole tricks, glitter and a whole lotta kink…Also, being as the judges are all well-known performers and personalities in our community, I wanted to do a little something for each of you. The holy set and crucifix were for you and Nik. I saw you spank yourself with a crucifix at the Kit Kat Club and thought it was the sexiest thing in the world, so I stole it, the glitter was for Rachel Reckless, and the booty bump for Miss Foxx and her scrumptious ass.”
The performer with the most exciting, well-planned performance won the competition. Despite the name of Vagina Beauty Pageant, talent is just as important as aesthetics. Why? Because the people in Portland, much like the vaginas, have depth and character.
The Final Results of DJ Dick Hennessy’s Fifth Annual Vagina Beauty Pageant
First Place, Miss Beautiful Vagina 2014: Austin Wilde, Kit Kat Club
Second Place: Lextasy, Stars Salem
Third (and Fourth) Place: Taylor from Spyce