What Does a Real Dominant Look Like?

9758394by Kayla Lords

Contrary to what the erotica burning up e-readers around the world will tell you, not all Dominants wear three-piece suits, own multi-billion dollar corporations, or turn their secretaries into their submissives from the first interview. Books like that are fun to read and certainly get me all steamed up, but trying to find a Dominant that fits that mold is nearly impossible.

Dominant people, because they can be male or female, cis or trans, come in every shape, size, color, sexual preference, income bracket, education level and career. There is no perfect picture of a Dominant. The men don’t all wear suits. The women don’t always wear leather or latex. Many Dominants I know are typically found in jeans and t-shirts.


So, what does a “real” Dominant look like? In my experience – as someone who loves a Dominant and is friends with others – they all have very similar traits. But here’s the surprising thing: Not one of those traits is physical.

Common Traits of a Real Dominants


A good Dominant doesn’t rush into giving you commands from the moment you meet. If they do, it’s likely a test. Master M, a friend of mine and Domme (yes, she’s female and yes, she uses the title “Master”), has said many times that if she’s giving a new potential submissive an order, it’s to see if they have a backbone and will stand up to her. Dominants are in no rush to have you bow and kneel before them. They want to get to know you as a person first.


The best Dominants do what they say they’re going to do. They’re consistent in thought, speech and action. You know where you stand with them. The reality is that you might not always like what you hear, but you know you’re being told the truth as they see it or they’re doing what they think is best.


Real Dominants, the kind you can trust with your mind and body, understand that they have a responsibility to their submissive. They take responsibility for their actions and their words. Sure, things can be said in anger, but a Dominant with a strong sense of responsibility will own up to their mistakes and work to repair a fractured situation.

Willingness to Learn

Dominants, even those in the lifestyle for many years, know they don’t know everything. They also realize they’re capable of making mistakes. Good Dominants are constantly seeking new information, whether it’s about a new toy to try, a protocol to introduce, or simply a better way to handle the difficult situations that crop up in any relationship.


Any Dominant worth their salt knows the key to a successful D/s relationship is communication. They not only want to share information and details with you, they also want you to share your thoughts, feelings and needs with them. Based on your own relationship, how you communicate can vary wildly, but the ability is always there.


No conversation about D/s is ever complete unless we discuss consent. Consent is, according to a Master I know named Cade, not as simple as saying, “Yes.” Consent must be informed. Neither of you, Dominant or submissive, is truly giving clear consent if you don’t know what you’re saying yes to. Clear consent means understanding what’s going to happen, what it will feel like, and what the result will be. (Read more in Yes! Why Consent is Totally Sexy.)

What Other Dominants Say

Every kinkster, Dominant, submissive, top, or bottom is different. None of us are alike, and we come from all walks of life. I reached out to three male Dominants that I trust (one of whom is my own partner) for their take on being a Dominant.

Tom Wolf is married to his submissive and lives in the northeastern United States. Sir Franco Bolli is dating his Princess and lives in Antwerp. Southern Sir shares a bed and home with me as the Daddy Dom to my babygirl self, after more than a year in a long-distance relationship. All three have very different ways of expressing their Dominance, but they also have very clear similarities.

What Makes You Feel Most Dominant?

Tom Wolf

“When I feel in control is when I feel most dominant. Sometimes you enter into a situation or scenario, and it just flows. When that happens, it’s euphoric. My brain is abuzz with positive energy, and it’s likely the time when I’m most relaxed. But Doms aren’t perfect. When I don’t get it right, I used to panic to try and get things even keeled. Now, age and wisdom prevail, and I will admit a momentary point of panic when the reality of not being in control presents itself.

What I’ve learned is that it’s not the missteps or blunders that define you, but how you recover from them, including admitting an error. It’s in that recovery that you garner respect for maintaining composure through being nimble on your feet with the right elixir to remedy the situation. It’s in that moment that your presence, or how others feel about you, which defines your dominance, generates respect and produces that brain-buzz that drives me harder.”

Sir Franco Bolli

“On a date, Princess loves it when I am completely in charge, leaving her with hardly any responsibilities so she can completely let go and enjoy. I love being an old-school gentleman Dom.

Princess and I love rough sex. Choking, hair pulling, biting, and I often use all I’ve got to pin her down, force her down like I’m kind of raping her. That, too, is about Dominance.”

Southern Sir

“We have a number of rituals and protocols in our relationship. The one that stands out the most to me is in the evening after the boys are in bed, Kayla will make me a cup of coffee. She just won’t hand it to me, she kneels down and offers up the cup to me. That act fills me with so much love for her knowing that it is me she kneels for.”

What Gives You the Most Joy or Satisfaction as a Dominant?

Tom Wolf

“I get extreme pleasure from the smiles of those who are happy to have made their decision to follow. Oh, and from giving relentless sexual pleasure to my submissive, lol.”

Sir Franco Bolli

“The trust. And the love, passion and submission I receive from Princess. Taking care of Princess, protecting her, helping her grow. Being given the opportunity to take a part of her life in my hands.”

Southern Sir

“Watching my babygirl grow, and by this I mean reaching for her dreams. Everyone has dreams, but to watch her reaching for them and to see them coming to life for her gives me an overwhelming feeling of joy.”

What Advice Do You Have for Those New to the Lifestyle?

Tom Wolf

“Trust more, judge less. Love more and exercise patience, forgive mistakes. Open your mind, explore boundaries, free your soul. Beware of phonies and posers. They will suck the life out of you without you even knowing it.

Read and research a lot. And then do some more. Tools of the kink can be disfiguring or deadly in the wrong hands. Understand their intended purpose, predicted outcomes, and pleasure to both the giver and receiver. But whatever you do, do it in the name of respect. Your dignity and respect are the only things you will ever have that are nearly impossible to recover once lost.”

Sir Franco Bolli

“Every story is a different one and each has other players with their own pasts, wishes and so on. D/s is a lifestyle that can be implemented in so many different ways. There is no one size fits all.

I guess my most important advice would be: talk. Communication is everything and it means not only talking but, equally important, listening.”

Southern Sir

“Ask questions, find the local munch in your area, meet people that live the lifestyle. Find the people that have been a part of it for the last 25 – 30 years and ask them questions, watch them, learn and grow.”

Did you notice that no one advised ordering a total stranger to kneel, call them ‘Sir’ or otherwise act submissive from the first few moments? The people who do that aren’t good Dominants. Some are simply posers and abusers looking for new victims. Others are uneducated or too arrogant for their own good, sometimes a combination of both. Avoid them at all costs.”

Speets, Speeters and Speeting

Last weekend, I met 13 people – actually, it was 10; I already knew 3 people – very quickly! And it was 13 10 KINKY people!

Last weekend, I went SPEETING! (No! No chefs were hurt!) Speed Meeting or SPEETING is a social event for the kink/fetish community based on the awful (and awfully familiar, thanks to US TV) Speed Dating format: meet a potential partner, spend 5 minutes with said potential partner, say good-bye to said potential partner, go home feeling old and lonely.


And this is where SPEETING is different.  It is not divided by binary genders or roles so you have the opportunity to just meet people. Any of those people could become a friend, a partner, a mentor, a protégé, a connection.

This is the perfect chance for kinksters new to the scene, looking to meet like-minded people, or those who just find it hard to get out. It is open to anyone wanting to make some new connections in the Melbourne kink community. All that is required is a real interest in meeting other kinksters, an open mind, and a respectful attitude.

12642732_1014895771887468_3186550103260431814_nArmed with these requirements, I arrive at Splinter, nervous and giggly. A quick hug from Mis Knickers and I’m handed an envelope containing a ‘Prompt Card’, paper and pen. My Prompt Card questions:

  • What kind of vegetable would you be?
  • Why is Nicholas Cage such a good actor?
  • What was the last movie you saw?

These and other conversation starters are there to help you out if you’re feeling stuck or overwhelmed. Believe me, 5 minutes can really seem like a really, really long time if you’re not really clicking at all, really! The pen and paper are for my own note-taking during our (very) short breaks. The only problem, if you got along with your current SPEETer, is you tried to fit in more conversation and missed that 1 minute break; so I missed taking notes…and then I was onto the next SPEET.

Woah! Thirteen of those is a tad overwhelming (for me!) Thirteen SPEETs that all blended into one (because I talk too much!) Perhaps I’ll improve with practice?

It’s all very casual and comfortable, and fast!

If you’re interested in SPEETING, the next one is 28th May. Or message Mis Knickers or Renee Glover with any questions.



Body Worship

001. good sub 190815 (3)

Listen Here

 The following article, written by Sam on Whips, Chains & Duct Tape, gives you a very useful run-down. Taboo Radio also did a show about Body Worship last year, if you’d like to know more.

What is Cock Worship?

Quite simply it is a way more then just a blow job. It is NOT about getting a Dom’s cock hard, or even making the cock release…(but is very much treasured and loved when it does). It is about Love & Devotion to the cock in a very admirable way.

tumblr_m2076fzyhm1r9e9f9o1_500To love and worship a man’s cock & balls, through literally loving, tasting, smelling, to loving and needing to caress, lick, suck, nurse the cock, look at the cock admirably and touch the cock in a way to show our love, respect and lust for the cock. It is something that not only gives us such pleasure to serve the cock but it clearly so important to our man who will allow us to pleasure of it and takes us where we need to be with it.

Cock worshiping is attaching your sluthood to your other. It is declaring your lust for your Dom sexually by pointing out that their cock and balls are to be gloriously enjoyable for you to interact with. It is a strong statement that I am a complete slut for you and not something any old hard cock could ever do for my mouth, throat, hands, pussy, or arse.

While it is highly erotic and pleasurable to both, Dom and sub, it is not about sex. It has everything to do with a special unique bond between two unique beings. It is about being protective, nurturing, and providing unconditional love from Him to the sub, and to the one who is loved. It is about giving without expecting anything in return!!!!

Other Body Parts

02-standing-pussy-worship-knees-cunnilingus-lick-clitorisI would like to expand on this beyond cock worship. I must say that there are other body parts that can be worshiped. Not all Dominants are male, so Pussy worship should be mentioned. What can you do? The same things you would do for a cock, really. Appreciate, admire it, and touch it if the Dominant tells you to. Smell, admire, kiss, lick, maybe even groom it if instructed to. It all depends on your instructions as a sub/slave or pet.

Other body parts, can be worshiped, and the most common are

  • Ass worship
  • Foot worship

This means that according to how the Dominant requests, these body parts can be admired, touched, licked, sucked, pampered.

03c18e40b68f59e7a97f7ff3b2db0245It isn’t about sex; it is about showing your appreciation to the Dominant, and in specific to that body part presented for worship. Using foot worship as an example: The sub can lick the Dominant’s feet, kiss them, suck the toes. Then soak the Dominant’s feet in warm water, wash the feet, scrub, rinse and dry. After that they can admire, touch, kiss, apply lotion, rub the feet. This is all part of the special attention given to the feet.

It means focusing your love and attention to one particular part of the body at the moment.

What part of the body would you like to worship if given the opportunity?

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Beginner Bondage Basics

This is a wonderful refresher/basics article that I found on Whips, Chains & Duct Tape. It’s original author is unknown.

Safety First


safety-reminder-signs-industrial-23398bbhplyalu-baLike any other sport or hobby, bondage is best practiced with an awareness of safety. If the game is played right, every participant wins!

In all sports, there is the possibility of accidents, so here are some recommended “don’ts” for bondage.

  • Don’t play when you’re not alert.
  • Don’t play when tired or under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
  • Don’t try things you aren’t sure about.
  • The front of the neck should never receive pressure of any kind .
  • Don’t leave a bondaged person alone.

The Two Ways limbs “fall asleep”


Poorly done bondage, particularly at the wrists or ankles, will inhibit circulation. The submissive will feel numbness or slight tingling. Sometimes it will feel uncomfortable, sometimes not. Temporary inhibition of circulation is not a problem unless the submissive is feeling pain. Ask the submissive whether they want the bondage adjusted or removed. Their decision is law.

Nerve endings

If bondage is pinching nerve paths, the submissive will feel shooting pains or focused pain. Never interfere with nerve paths. If the submissive believes the bondage is blocking a nerve path, remove the bondage immediately.

Binding the wrists behind the back pulls breathing muscles taut. For submissive’s lacking flexibility, the reduced supply of oxygen can cause headaches or fainting. Be alert to the submissive’s physical limitations and reactions.

time_travelTime Limits

Healthy participants can enjoy a position for about an hour. If you’re not in prime health, try about 20 minutes to a half hour for any given position. If you’re trying something new, limit the first exposure to 15 minutes.

To prolong your bondage sessions, vary hand placement, for example, start with hands behind the back, then after a half hour, switch to a hands front position, etc.


A “Safeword”is a word, sound or action that is used to communicate during a scene. If you are not playing “roles” during a scene, you can just tell each other when you want something, but if you’re gagged or “in role,” communication can be more difficult.

Common Safewords are “red,” “mercy,” the word” safeword,” or humming a specific tune. Safeword actions can be things like snapping your fingers, raising your foot, or dropping car keys from your hand.

Quick Release

You will need safety scissors when doing bondage. Designed for removing bandages, the scissors have a flat outer side to protect skin when cutting binds. These are perfect for completing saran wrap scenes.

If you use thick bondage equipment such as leather or fat ropes, keep industrial scissors or EMT scissors on hand too.

Extended Bondage

Many people have seen pictures or films of bondage and read about bondage and even experienced bondage. But have you ever been restrained or thought about being restrained for a very long time for hours perhaps?

There are few things to consider:


You can’t hold a strenuous position hour after hour no matter what it looked like in some BDSM porn video. You’ve got to make sure that the position is one that you can hold for a long time without pulling a muscle or ligament or worse. So 24 hours in suspension is a myth. You just can’t do that without ending up with dislocated shoulders or much, much worse.


Even though you may intend for this bondage to go on all day or all night, you’ve got to be prepared to get the submissive out of this bondage in an instant if something goes wrong.
(For example imagine your submissive having a seizure while in bondage and imagine for a moment how fast you’ll want them released). It should go without saying that you don’t leave someone in bondage unattended but in case this hasn’t occurred to you, DON’T LEAVE SOMEONE IN BONDAGE UNATTENDED!


What are you going to use? Cuffs? Ropes? Harness? You’ve got to think long term here. What will avoid chafing or injury to the sensitive tissues? If you’re experienced with rope, you might be able to use it for this kind of bondage; if not, think padded cuffs such as medical Posey Restraints with sheepskin padding. This is what hospitals use to restrain patients long term.


In short bondage scenes, circulation is still important but not nearly as critical as it is in a long duration scene. You’ve got to make sure that circulation isn’t cutoff. If you cut off circulation to a limb for several hours, the limb will first get nerve damage and then ultimately gangrene can set in and you may be looking at an amputated limb. You have to make sure that circulation is something you keep constant attention on!

Bathroom Breaks

In a 2 hour scene where you’re going to do 5 or 10 different things, this is no
big deal. But,if you’re talking hours, how will you deal with her (or him) having to get to the toilet? Not figuring this out in advance makes for a messy scene possibly on the very bed you’d been thinking about sleeping on. Long duration bondage can be a huge turn on and is a potentially exciting aspect of play. The mind plays games with itself when it’s got no other stimulus, so this can result in an intense session for both dominant and submissive even though there might not be as many “intense” moments per hour as there are in other scenes. The mind effect is cumulative, but you’ve got to think ahead if you’re the dominant and plan out what will happen so you can ensure everyone’s safety.

How to Establish a Safety Word for Bondage

  • traffic-lights-signEstablish a red, yellow and green system. Like a traffic signal saying red means stop immediately, yellow means to pause to check in with each other and green means you’re okay and it’s safe to proceed. Use these words in whatever way works for you and your partner, as long as you both know what action each word should provoke.
  • Come out of character during role play and use your partner’s real name. Instead of saying “Mistress” or calling your partner “Doctor Dominant,” for example, you simply say his or her real name and they will know to stop and untie you immediately.
  • Establish a visual signal when verbal words aren’t possible. If you are gagging your submissive or otherwise obstructing the ability to speak, have him or her hold something during bondage and drop it if they need to stop the scene.
  • Make up a word or phrase that only you and your partner know. Use it for a safety word and agree to stop the scene immediately if your submissive utters it. Then check with him or her to find out what went wrong and if
    they want to continue the scene or end it for the night.
  • Use a weird word or one that you most likely would not use during sex. A word like “aardvark” or the name of your town is not something you normally yell at the peak of ecstasy. Choose something you don’t say everyday and make its meaning during bondage clear.

Tips &Warnings

  • When one is thinking of binding a partner, you need to be very aware of the position you want to put your partner into. Standing, kneeling, suspended and complex bondage becomes very uncomfortable, causing the person to fatigue very quickly. If you are thinking of doing any of these, watch the time, as 15-20 minutes is the maximum a person’s body can tolerate in an uncomfortable position.
  • Bearing in mind that when any part of the body is overhead (i.e. arms spread eagled above the head, legs raised higher than rest of the body)the limbs lose feeling very quickly, due to lack of blood circulation. Ask your partner constantly whether that tingly feeling has started. Once it starts, you need to move them into another position.
  • Also keep in mind that body temperatures drop drastically, when one is immobile. Please pay special attention to keeping your bound partner warm.
  • ribbon tortureBear in mind that any material made out of a synthetic fiber (i.e. silk scarves, nylon stockings and the like) are very dangerous to use in bondage. The first reason being that they pull tight, making it almost impossible to release the bondage in a hurry. You generally have to cut it lose. Secondly, when pulled tight, the bondage starts to pinch the skin, cutting of circulation. The best bondage materials to use are leather (i.e. belts, cuffs) and cotton rope.
  • Please don’t buy the gimmicky handcuffs found in most adult shops. They do not have a “double lock”, which means that they tend to get tighter and tighter through movement. The best kinds of handcuffs to buy are the real police handcuffs, which have a double locking system. These can be found almost anywhere.
  • Do not leave a restrained person alone for any reason.
  • If you use a gag on the submissive your responsibility for observing increases. Remember, that the risk also always increases with a gag and make sure your submissive can breathe properly through their nose.
  • Another general rule is that you should be able to free abound person within one minute of an emergency occurs, even if they have fainted. Wise BDSM players keep special “paramedic scissors” or similar items handy to help with this.
  • During bondage scenes it is the duty of the dominant to take care of the submissive. It’s your responsibility to watch for any breathing problems or signs of circulation problems. Watch not only for lack of breathing but hyperventilation.
  • Practice tying and untying the knots you are going to use and never use rope of a smaller diameter than 0.5cm or thicker than 0.7cm on the body.
  • Never obstruct the throat with a rope by crossing a rope across the front of the neck. Figure out how to make the rope cross on the backside of the neck. Never tie a rope around the neck.
  • Take care in the amount of strain on joints (wrists, knees, back, neck, elbows, shoulders, etc.)
  • There is never any need to tie some part of your partner’s body so tightly that it “goes to sleep.” Watch out for constriction of nerves and blood vessels. Watch for signs of tingling, numbness, abnormal color, or coldness in extremities. If any of these symptoms occur, loosen the bondage immediately.
  • Check the ropes as you are tying for tightness. Always leave it loose enough to get one finger between the rope and the submissive’s skin. Check ropes often to insure they don’t tighten because of body swelling or twisting.06gyc28xqg64mhschiiv
  • Communicate with the bound submissive from time to time to ensure he/ she is okay. Use a safe signal to allow him/ her to alert you of a problem.
  • With more coils of rope used around the body or extremities there is less chance of cutting off circulation because there is more surface area used.
  • Avoid relying solely on safe words for communication. A safety word is no substitute for responsible BDSM play. Knowing your partner and his or her facial expressions, physical limitations and tolerances for pain and being bound is more effective than any safe word. Pay attention to each other and combine caring with safety words to ensure a safe and fulfilling time together.
  • Bondage creates dangerous vulnerability. It is recommended that you let someone tie you up, blindfold you, or gag you only after you have first done at least two successful BDSM scenes with them that involved no bondage.

This is how you clean me…

There is always the possibility that bodily fluids will be transferred onto your ropes. Your ropes therefore should be thoroughly disinfected after each and every “play” session to avoid the transfer of AIDS and Hepatitis. You should also try and avoid using your rope on more than one person at a time.

The best way to clean your rope is to place them in a pillow slip, tie an elastic band around the entrance of the pillow slip so that your rope can’t fall out. Place this pillow slip in your washing machine (along with the necessary washing detergent), and machine wash at 30 degrees Celsius. To make your ropes softer for the skin, add a little fabric softner to the wash load. Once the wash cycle is complete, hang your rope indirect sunlight to air dry.

Have fun! Play safe

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BDSM Revisited: Detours and Debris

As I have said before (and will say again), I am no expert so I rely on others to teach, coach and write. Sometimes I find wonderful things to share (and sometimes I don’t – you know that’s happening when there are long, long breaks between posts!)

That said, I was directed to A Firm Grip and this article (reminiscent of Marquis De JJ’s rants):

BDSM Revisited: Detours & Debris

The trend these days in BDSM seems to be as Noel Coward sang “Anything Goes” except, of course, when it doesn’t.  Part of this confusion seems to stem from the migration into the lifestyle of vanillas with its never-changing cast of characters: control freak jerks, players, trolls, drama queens, perpetual virgins, well, you get the picture.

We see guys getting “into the scene” because they have gotten the misinformation that submissives never say no to sex, are easy to manipulate, and as “Doms” or “Masters” they can get away with really bad behavior.  We see women getting into it because they have the mistaken idea that all Doms/Masters are sex gods, will tell them exactly what they ought to be doing, will take care of their every need, and are some kind of superior man to spice up their (mostly non-existent) sex lives.  Sorry to disabuse you, if that’s what you believe, but it’s hardly the truth.

242There is room in the community of BDSM to include a wide variety of folk, this  is true.  From those who just want to play or scene to those who want a fulfilling relationship with someone who complements their particular set of kinks:  Sadists with Masochists, dominants with submissives,  complementive fetishists.   However, some traditionalists resent the incursion of newbies who are essentially clueless, just looking for easy sex,  and basing their expectations and practices on nothing more than fantasies and pornographic fakery.

Like cultists who rush from one to the next when disappointment settles in and the truth be known, it is likely many of these new sojourners will drop away from BDSM practices whenever burnout strikes, yesterday, today, or some tomorrow.  To them BDSM will be merely another detour on their life path, a sideroad that goes no further than the dead end sign, and they’ll back up and head back to Vanilla Highway 101.  Unfortunately, they may carry with them (as failed conservatives or liberals often do) the “understanding” that it was all a lie to begin with.  Perhaps to them specifically, it was, indeed, a lie, but they were lying to themselves or their motivations were false.

238BDSM is not about easy sex, not about being excited by whips and chains only when nothing else works, not about being a chauvinist asshole nor a whining victim.   But, in future, we may experience meeting up with people for whom that opinion is their guiding factor.  The “Dom”, for example, who because of his personality (not his inexperience) still cannot “get laid” will, just as in Vanilla Land, think the women involved are bitches, frigid, or lesbians.  The “sub” whose fantasy was never fulfilled, just as it wasn’t in her vanilla life, will continue to think all men are jerks, assholes, and players.  It may even seem ironic, to those of us outside this paradigm, that such false Doms and subs often wind up with experience only with each other, not with people actually in the BDSM lifestyle.

So, let’s consider what the difference is, in terms of motivation and expectation.   Are you involved or getting involved in BDSM because you must for genuine and sincere fulfillment?   Have you explored the pros and cons and find the pros win every time?  Do you base your relationship expectations on the long-term, always learning and growing, and changing emotional, mental, and physical needs you consistently experience?  Do you realize that while it may be healthy and satisfying to have fantasies, they don’t always have to made manifest in the real world?  Do you know, as a submissive, the difference between being pushed/shoved and being led?  Are you aware, as a Dominant, that respect, compromise, and responsibility are part of the relationship dynamic?

Here’s a little technique that can help.  Sit down and make a list of what you expect from a BDSM or D/s relationship.  A real list of practical attributes, not fantasies.   If you expect your potential Dominant to be a knight on a white horse to slay your dragons of doubt, shyness, self-recrimination, previous mental, physical, or emotional abuse – cross that off your list.  You have to be, as a submissive, your own knight.  The Dominant can only help keep your armor intact and hand you the right sword.

270If you’re the Dominant, your list shouldn’t include items like “Sex whenever and however I want it”, “The right to do whatever I want with no responsibility”, nor “Someone I can order around like some inferior and low creature”.  But it might include things like “Taking responsible care of another person”, “Providing a stable, dependable basis for respect and mutual pleasure”, and “Being a leader, a guide, a mentor, and a lover”.

Another thing, an observation that continues to appear in conversations about the relationship dynamics.   In a D/s relationship, particularly, it is the relationship that controls and is the power between the participants.  The Dominant is given power to make choices and decisions, the submissive surrenders power to do so – but the real controller is the dynamic of the relationship itself.  And that’s a good thing to know and accept.

244Oh, and try not to take the detours, but make your own path.  And step over or around any debris you find strewn there.  Someone else has already thrown it away.

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Play it Safe

It’s party season! Which often means lots of play parties! (I’m going to Provocation’s XXX-mas party tonight, in fact). One of favourite naughty bloggers, Ballsy Billy, recently talked about safe words

When playing, I like to use the universal road sighs of green, yellow/orange for safe-words. I’ve never had the submissive I’ve been playing with use a safe-word, although, I have had to slow down a bit with the cautionary word yellow. Nevertheless, whatever your plans, you should always have a safe-word.

 What is a safe-word?

A safe-word is a word that a submissive will use to stop play immediately; it should be used in times of distress, fear, physical danger, extreme pain, or any time when the submissive feels the scene needs to be stopped. A safe-word is not a cop-out and should not be viewed as a bad thing to use. It is to ensure safety.

When should a submissive use a safe-word?

A submissive should use a .safe-word if:

  • They feel something is wrong with their body
  • They can no longer endure the scene, whether this is due to mental stability or pain
  • They are in fear or they don’t trust their Dominant
  • Generally, any time they need the scene to stop right away.

Safe-words should be easily recognizable; they shouldn’t be similar to the name of a player or any sounds made during a scene. They should be absolutely clear.

When a Dominant gets to know His/Her sub very well, they will learn their sub’s limits and know how far they can go. But with new couples, and even with experienced couples, some signs of distress or danger might not be immediately clear, and depending on the sub’s mental state, he/she may be able to mentally handle a scene on a good day, but not on a bad day.safe

Dominants can use safe-words too!

If a Dom feels a role-play is going too far or the sub is pushing them too far, or they believe the sub cannot handle a scene and the sub hasn’t safe-worded, the Dom can end the scene with a safe-word.

What are some examples of safe-words?

traffic-lights-signThere is a “traffic-light system”; the words involved are green, orange/yellow, and red. During a scene a Dominant may ask “stoplight?” and a sub can respond with the following. Of course, they can say “red” or “orange/yellow” at any time, too, if the Dominant knows what it means.

“Green“ – Everything is fine, continue, move on!

“Orange/yellow” – I want to slow down, there’s something I want to discuss, I have a concern, etc.

Red“ – Stop immediately.

During a role-play, the sub may also safe-word by referring to the Dominant by first name, effectively dropping out of character and exiting the scene.

“Banana” is a popular safe-word, too!

What if the submissive can’t talk?

A submissive should use a safe-word even if he/she has been ordered not to speak. However if they are gagged and unable to speak, there should be a safe-signal; some kind of non-verbal gesture that serves the same purpose. These can include stomping the foot twice, violently shaking the head, clapping, a specific grunt, holding up two fingers, etc. It depends on the situation and what parts of the body are immobilized. It’s especially important with bondage, if the sub is gagged, to have a safe-signal that is easy to preform and easy to recognize.2980-illustration-of-a-blue-curved-right-arrow-pv

What if a Dominant says I don’t need a safe-word?

STAY AWAY FROM THIS PERSON! Safe-words shouldn’t have to be used, but they’re there as a precaution, and for safety. Anyone who says you don’t need a safe-word is dangerous. If a Dom/me doesn’t allow a safe-word, their sub has no way of exiting the scene should something go wrong. Never, ever trust anyone who doesn’t allow safe-words or says you don’t need them. A Dominant must always care for His/Her submissive’s health and safety; a safe-word is a vital safety measure.

Can a safe-word be used during a punishment?

Yes! Punishments are not meant to be abusive or traumatic. They’re meant to discipline, to be a deterrent. No punishment should ever be harsh enough to warrant the use of a safe-word.

A safe-word should never be seen as disobedience. Using a safe-word is not being obstinate, being difficult, it is not refusing an order. It is protecting the safety of the players.

7883_b8e81077808a133b0ef64c1ae4cf6d66Hopefully you will never have to use one, but let’s have a safe-word just in case.

Subs, you know your body better than anyone else. Trust your instincts. If you feel there is something wrong, if you feel the need to safe-word, USE IT. It is better to have a scene cut short than to have a problem.

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