What Does a Real Dominant Look Like?

9758394by Kayla Lords

Contrary to what the erotica burning up e-readers around the world will tell you, not all Dominants wear three-piece suits, own multi-billion dollar corporations, or turn their secretaries into their submissives from the first interview. Books like that are fun to read and certainly get me all steamed up, but trying to find a Dominant that fits that mold is nearly impossible.

Dominant people, because they can be male or female, cis or trans, come in every shape, size, color, sexual preference, income bracket, education level and career. There is no perfect picture of a Dominant. The men don’t all wear suits. The women don’t always wear leather or latex. Many Dominants I know are typically found in jeans and t-shirts.


So, what does a “real” Dominant look like? In my experience – as someone who loves a Dominant and is friends with others – they all have very similar traits. But here’s the surprising thing: Not one of those traits is physical.

Common Traits of a Real Dominants


A good Dominant doesn’t rush into giving you commands from the moment you meet. If they do, it’s likely a test. Master M, a friend of mine and Domme (yes, she’s female and yes, she uses the title “Master”), has said many times that if she’s giving a new potential submissive an order, it’s to see if they have a backbone and will stand up to her. Dominants are in no rush to have you bow and kneel before them. They want to get to know you as a person first.


The best Dominants do what they say they’re going to do. They’re consistent in thought, speech and action. You know where you stand with them. The reality is that you might not always like what you hear, but you know you’re being told the truth as they see it or they’re doing what they think is best.


Real Dominants, the kind you can trust with your mind and body, understand that they have a responsibility to their submissive. They take responsibility for their actions and their words. Sure, things can be said in anger, but a Dominant with a strong sense of responsibility will own up to their mistakes and work to repair a fractured situation.

Willingness to Learn

Dominants, even those in the lifestyle for many years, know they don’t know everything. They also realize they’re capable of making mistakes. Good Dominants are constantly seeking new information, whether it’s about a new toy to try, a protocol to introduce, or simply a better way to handle the difficult situations that crop up in any relationship.


Any Dominant worth their salt knows the key to a successful D/s relationship is communication. They not only want to share information and details with you, they also want you to share your thoughts, feelings and needs with them. Based on your own relationship, how you communicate can vary wildly, but the ability is always there.


No conversation about D/s is ever complete unless we discuss consent. Consent is, according to a Master I know named Cade, not as simple as saying, “Yes.” Consent must be informed. Neither of you, Dominant or submissive, is truly giving clear consent if you don’t know what you’re saying yes to. Clear consent means understanding what’s going to happen, what it will feel like, and what the result will be. (Read more in Yes! Why Consent is Totally Sexy.)

What Other Dominants Say

Every kinkster, Dominant, submissive, top, or bottom is different. None of us are alike, and we come from all walks of life. I reached out to three male Dominants that I trust (one of whom is my own partner) for their take on being a Dominant.

Tom Wolf is married to his submissive and lives in the northeastern United States. Sir Franco Bolli is dating his Princess and lives in Antwerp. Southern Sir shares a bed and home with me as the Daddy Dom to my babygirl self, after more than a year in a long-distance relationship. All three have very different ways of expressing their Dominance, but they also have very clear similarities.

What Makes You Feel Most Dominant?

Tom Wolf

“When I feel in control is when I feel most dominant. Sometimes you enter into a situation or scenario, and it just flows. When that happens, it’s euphoric. My brain is abuzz with positive energy, and it’s likely the time when I’m most relaxed. But Doms aren’t perfect. When I don’t get it right, I used to panic to try and get things even keeled. Now, age and wisdom prevail, and I will admit a momentary point of panic when the reality of not being in control presents itself.

What I’ve learned is that it’s not the missteps or blunders that define you, but how you recover from them, including admitting an error. It’s in that recovery that you garner respect for maintaining composure through being nimble on your feet with the right elixir to remedy the situation. It’s in that moment that your presence, or how others feel about you, which defines your dominance, generates respect and produces that brain-buzz that drives me harder.”

Sir Franco Bolli

“On a date, Princess loves it when I am completely in charge, leaving her with hardly any responsibilities so she can completely let go and enjoy. I love being an old-school gentleman Dom.

Princess and I love rough sex. Choking, hair pulling, biting, and I often use all I’ve got to pin her down, force her down like I’m kind of raping her. That, too, is about Dominance.”

Southern Sir

“We have a number of rituals and protocols in our relationship. The one that stands out the most to me is in the evening after the boys are in bed, Kayla will make me a cup of coffee. She just won’t hand it to me, she kneels down and offers up the cup to me. That act fills me with so much love for her knowing that it is me she kneels for.”

What Gives You the Most Joy or Satisfaction as a Dominant?

Tom Wolf

“I get extreme pleasure from the smiles of those who are happy to have made their decision to follow. Oh, and from giving relentless sexual pleasure to my submissive, lol.”

Sir Franco Bolli

“The trust. And the love, passion and submission I receive from Princess. Taking care of Princess, protecting her, helping her grow. Being given the opportunity to take a part of her life in my hands.”

Southern Sir

“Watching my babygirl grow, and by this I mean reaching for her dreams. Everyone has dreams, but to watch her reaching for them and to see them coming to life for her gives me an overwhelming feeling of joy.”

What Advice Do You Have for Those New to the Lifestyle?

Tom Wolf

“Trust more, judge less. Love more and exercise patience, forgive mistakes. Open your mind, explore boundaries, free your soul. Beware of phonies and posers. They will suck the life out of you without you even knowing it.

Read and research a lot. And then do some more. Tools of the kink can be disfiguring or deadly in the wrong hands. Understand their intended purpose, predicted outcomes, and pleasure to both the giver and receiver. But whatever you do, do it in the name of respect. Your dignity and respect are the only things you will ever have that are nearly impossible to recover once lost.”

Sir Franco Bolli

“Every story is a different one and each has other players with their own pasts, wishes and so on. D/s is a lifestyle that can be implemented in so many different ways. There is no one size fits all.

I guess my most important advice would be: talk. Communication is everything and it means not only talking but, equally important, listening.”

Southern Sir

“Ask questions, find the local munch in your area, meet people that live the lifestyle. Find the people that have been a part of it for the last 25 – 30 years and ask them questions, watch them, learn and grow.”

Did you notice that no one advised ordering a total stranger to kneel, call them ‘Sir’ or otherwise act submissive from the first few moments? The people who do that aren’t good Dominants. Some are simply posers and abusers looking for new victims. Others are uneducated or too arrogant for their own good, sometimes a combination of both. Avoid them at all costs.”

Is There a Dress Code for Male #Doms?

I just recently found Christina Mandara‘s’s blog: Blissful Blog. And I’ve found a number of little gems to share with you…

Sexy fashionable couple in dark room


Dress Code For The Male Dom

I saw this question pop up on my wordpress stats, so I thought I’d try and answer it from a female perspective. At the end of the day, the male dominant is a dominant – so he should wear what he damn well pleases, but if he’s new to the lifestyle and looking for a few pointers – I’ll note down a few ideas of what women will appreciate here.

If you turn up in a scruffy pair of jeans with holes all over them and a dirty t-shirt, you’re probably not going to be an attractive prospect for a submissive – unless you’re dressed from head to toe in tats – in which case females will probably melt all over you, and less is more. If that’s not the case then keep reading 😉

As a minimum I’d probably try for a pair of smart jeans in either black or blue, (save the orange ones for Christmas) and a dress shirt. Similarly, I’d keep it plain and simple. It seems to create more of an effect on the opposite sex. Women are strange creatures at the best of times.25374569 Portrait of muscle man posing on a grey background

If you’re one of those guys oozing confidence, notch it up a level with a sexy blazer in black or beige. Power dressing works for me.

All girls love guys in suits and ties, so if you’re coming straight from the office – feel free to leave the work gear on, but I’d probably get out of that nasty, uncomfortable tie 😉

As to footwear, black or brown leather works well. Boots look especially good. Pick something that fits your style and creates an impression.

Okay – that’s just about it from me. Just make sure you have a nice, thick leather belt around your waist – you never know when that might come in handy…




Fake Doms and Posers

marimarThis has been reblogged from Mari-Mar:

I found this post while surfing the internet and I am rebloging it here because I think it’s important to know, especially as a new sub. She’s a bit harsh but that is why I like her. :)
I didn’t agree with “if he has never been to a munch, a dungeon, a kink-related class, and has no ties to the local kink community. He’s a fraud.”
Some can’t go or simply don’t want to be associated in that scene.


a person or thing intended to deceive others, typically by unjustifiably claiming or being credited with accomplishments or qualities

ruling, governing, or controlling; having or exerting authority or influence

My experience in the world of BDSM has lead me to believe that the vast majority of men that identify as dominant, are frauds. Most of the time they are sad, lonely, socially unskilled creatures that hide behind a mask of false dominance and prey upon unsuspecting women interested in exploring their kinky side. Often they are uneducated, underemployed, unattractive, and uninteresting. If there is one thing they all claim to have in common it is a claim to a high degree of intelligence. I call bullshit.

Having encountered many of these men in my own journey, I have decided to compile a list of red flags (with some help from my friends) that may prove helpful to those new to the scene:

  • He should offer personal information before you ask for it. A refusal to do so is a HUGE red flag. And telling you he’s “a private person” is bullshit.
  • Trust your gut. Bound and naked in a hotel room is the wrong time to discover the difference between a true Dominant and a predator.
  • His toy bag contains all “homemade” toys and/or everything seems to be brand new.
  • He doesn’t have any references or claims to have them but has trouble getting them to you.
  • He calls you “slut” (or another equally misogynistic names) straight off the bat, before establishing a rapport with you. Real Dominants earn respect.
  • Test his ego: See if he has ever or would ever submit. Whether he has or would is irrelevant. It’s his reaction you’re looking for.
  • He insists on highly sexual play from the get-go, before establishing a relationship or boundaries.
  • He expects you to participate in dangerous play you might not be comfortable with, such as breath play, cutting, etc.
  • He claims that you don’t need a safe word.
  • He doesn’t take personal responsibility or admit wrongdoing. Everything is always someone else’s (and soon to be her) fault.
  • He is young (under 35) and claims to have ten years experience.
  • He doesn’t allow his submissive to have any limits; or he doesn’t respect them after they are established.
  • He claims to be in an “open relationship” but refuses to provide any verifiable information about his primary partner.
  • He has never been to a munch, a dungeon, a kink-related class, and has no ties to the local kink community.
  • He expects for you to pay for and/or provide toys, meals, gas, hotel expenses, etc.
  • He wants to “own” or “collar” you after a brief period of time.
  • His stories and/or timelines don’t add up or are inconsistent.
  • He easily loses control of his emotions. Doms need to be in full control of themselves before they can control someone else.
  • Watch out for Doms who criticize the way you play, or way you think, or anything about you, really. Doms should support and offer constructive feedback.
  • He hides behind his D/s authority and thinks it shouldn’t be questioned. The best Dominants are mentors/teachers.
  • You’re relationship with him is beginning to cause problems in your “normal” life (with family, friends, significant other, career, etc).
  • Don’t rush. Don’t hurry. And run screaming from anyone who tries to push you into anything you aren’t ready for!!

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Warning Signs Of A Fake Dominant

This is from The Kinky World of Vile (I think I shall be following him from now on!):

Those who enter the world of BDSM are really clueless , the first is the chat rooms which are really polluted , and most of the time is spent arguing over who is real and who is not. Private messages telling one to strip and kneel, or the hours of phone sex , sending pics and short videos.

fetlifeThe second are BDSM dating sites. If you’re looking for a partner in the lifestyle my number one choice is Fetlife. There are thousands of groups and any fetish you can think of, and within the groups are members profiles, you literally have your pick from thousands and you pick and choose who you want to contact.

Collarme.com is known as the meat market by Dominants, 90% of Collarme is spam and predators just looking for a piece of ass, or maybe some late night Head. ALT.com is getting just as bad if not worse, to have a pay site and allow so much spam , but they are making money and lots of it so who really gives a fuck.

It has been years since I have been in a chat room. as I entered the moderator wanted me to ask permission to enter, well yea go fuck yourself, I ask permission from no one. Then the Slave who was asking permission to enter has to strip and beg to enter. Okay if she agreed how do you know she really stripped. Just an ego thing I suppose.

The Fake Dominant will come off smooth at first , he is going to tell you everything you want to hear, he is going to sweep you off of your feet in just a matter of minutes. Yes it is true you will probably fuck on the first meeting because that is what he expects. or at least give head in the parking lot so you can prove your submission.

He will offer you his collar if not the first meeting , it will be within a week or less, and you the Slave not knowing any better will gladly accept.

This is when the smoothness goes away. His personality changes he becomes more controlling. His communication has all but stopped, he does not praise you any longer. It is now about him and only him.

He becomes more controlling this is fear of losing what he has just gained. He starts to isolate you from friends and family. He no longer allows you to go out. Your time has to be accounted for. Now you find out he has a temper, the name calling starts the yelling and yes sometimes it gets physical. The comes the emotional black mail this keeps a tight rope on you. Just look what I have done for you, Making you feel guilty and the guilt comes from fear.

This is why I encourage other Slaves to interact with others in the lifestyle. I feel it is very important to allow a Slave to have friends someone they can speak to on the same level.

Once the relationship has ended it is the Dominant who ends it. He has already gotten what he wanted the challenge is over, there is nothing left to win.

So he will either cut off all communication, or just stay in contact enough so he knows he has some pussy on the side. Or you get a bogus email or text saying something bad has happened. I have seen this many times. While the communication is limited the reason being he is now on the hunt again. You are on the sideline until his next catch. Then poof like Casper the ghost he is gone.

Now your thinking I am full of shit, I can live with that. The thing is I have no reason to lie to you, because I have nothing to gain. A human lies when they have something to gain, or they just cannot help it.

When meeting a new Dominant , you the Slave picks the time, the location and what you’re going to wear. If you have any thoughts that he expects you to put out on the first meeting, just go to the bathroom and wash your hands, and keep on driving forward.

boundThink about it for a second. Your going to meet a man, a Dominant whom you know nothing about except for a few emails maybe a few phone calls, and your going to let him take you to a hotel and tie you up. Are you really serious ? Once you are tied up spread eagle and gagged guess what ? You are fair game. One or two things could happen. One you leave happier than you have ever been, because he has just fucked you like no one else ever has, or you wake the next morning black and blue and unable to go to work. Are you really going to put yourself in that kind of position ?

When first meeting a new Dominant okay lets say online. He should be willing or want to get to know you as a person. See what things you have in common, other than BDSM. If you start off with BDSM guess what ? That is all your going to have in common. Beware if sex comes up to soon. Beware if he demands you wear a skirt with no panties. Wear what you want, you have the right to refuse. If he says fine I do not want to meet then you know what head he was thinking of.

I have known many who have been raped, and they continue on the same path of destruction hoping that they will find the right one, allowing themselves to be used and abused.

Think before you act the right one will come along. Don’t get fucked up.