BDSM Revisited: Detours and Debris

As I have said before (and will say again), I am no expert so I rely on others to teach, coach and write. Sometimes I find wonderful things to share (and sometimes I don’t – you know that’s happening when there are long, long breaks between posts!)

That said, I was directed to A Firm Grip and this article (reminiscent of Marquis De JJ’s rants):

BDSM Revisited: Detours & Debris

The trend these days in BDSM seems to be as Noel Coward sang “Anything Goes” except, of course, when it doesn’t.  Part of this confusion seems to stem from the migration into the lifestyle of vanillas with its never-changing cast of characters: control freak jerks, players, trolls, drama queens, perpetual virgins, well, you get the picture.

We see guys getting “into the scene” because they have gotten the misinformation that submissives never say no to sex, are easy to manipulate, and as “Doms” or “Masters” they can get away with really bad behavior.  We see women getting into it because they have the mistaken idea that all Doms/Masters are sex gods, will tell them exactly what they ought to be doing, will take care of their every need, and are some kind of superior man to spice up their (mostly non-existent) sex lives.  Sorry to disabuse you, if that’s what you believe, but it’s hardly the truth.

242There is room in the community of BDSM to include a wide variety of folk, this  is true.  From those who just want to play or scene to those who want a fulfilling relationship with someone who complements their particular set of kinks:  Sadists with Masochists, dominants with submissives,  complementive fetishists.   However, some traditionalists resent the incursion of newbies who are essentially clueless, just looking for easy sex,  and basing their expectations and practices on nothing more than fantasies and pornographic fakery.

Like cultists who rush from one to the next when disappointment settles in and the truth be known, it is likely many of these new sojourners will drop away from BDSM practices whenever burnout strikes, yesterday, today, or some tomorrow.  To them BDSM will be merely another detour on their life path, a sideroad that goes no further than the dead end sign, and they’ll back up and head back to Vanilla Highway 101.  Unfortunately, they may carry with them (as failed conservatives or liberals often do) the “understanding” that it was all a lie to begin with.  Perhaps to them specifically, it was, indeed, a lie, but they were lying to themselves or their motivations were false.

238BDSM is not about easy sex, not about being excited by whips and chains only when nothing else works, not about being a chauvinist asshole nor a whining victim.   But, in future, we may experience meeting up with people for whom that opinion is their guiding factor.  The “Dom”, for example, who because of his personality (not his inexperience) still cannot “get laid” will, just as in Vanilla Land, think the women involved are bitches, frigid, or lesbians.  The “sub” whose fantasy was never fulfilled, just as it wasn’t in her vanilla life, will continue to think all men are jerks, assholes, and players.  It may even seem ironic, to those of us outside this paradigm, that such false Doms and subs often wind up with experience only with each other, not with people actually in the BDSM lifestyle.

So, let’s consider what the difference is, in terms of motivation and expectation.   Are you involved or getting involved in BDSM because you must for genuine and sincere fulfillment?   Have you explored the pros and cons and find the pros win every time?  Do you base your relationship expectations on the long-term, always learning and growing, and changing emotional, mental, and physical needs you consistently experience?  Do you realize that while it may be healthy and satisfying to have fantasies, they don’t always have to made manifest in the real world?  Do you know, as a submissive, the difference between being pushed/shoved and being led?  Are you aware, as a Dominant, that respect, compromise, and responsibility are part of the relationship dynamic?

Here’s a little technique that can help.  Sit down and make a list of what you expect from a BDSM or D/s relationship.  A real list of practical attributes, not fantasies.   If you expect your potential Dominant to be a knight on a white horse to slay your dragons of doubt, shyness, self-recrimination, previous mental, physical, or emotional abuse – cross that off your list.  You have to be, as a submissive, your own knight.  The Dominant can only help keep your armor intact and hand you the right sword.

270If you’re the Dominant, your list shouldn’t include items like “Sex whenever and however I want it”, “The right to do whatever I want with no responsibility”, nor “Someone I can order around like some inferior and low creature”.  But it might include things like “Taking responsible care of another person”, “Providing a stable, dependable basis for respect and mutual pleasure”, and “Being a leader, a guide, a mentor, and a lover”.

Another thing, an observation that continues to appear in conversations about the relationship dynamics.   In a D/s relationship, particularly, it is the relationship that controls and is the power between the participants.  The Dominant is given power to make choices and decisions, the submissive surrenders power to do so – but the real controller is the dynamic of the relationship itself.  And that’s a good thing to know and accept.

244Oh, and try not to take the detours, but make your own path.  And step over or around any debris you find strewn there.  Someone else has already thrown it away.

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Almost Orgasmic!

For all the women out there, here are some borderline orgasmic moments only you will understand.

  1. Taking off your bra as soon as you reach home.1
  2. Peeling a pore strip off your nose.2
  3. Watching the water wash away all the hair off your razor.3
  4. And taking those freshly shaven legs and slipping under clean sheets.4
  5. Opening a brand new tube of lipstick.5
  6. Sliding your feet into heels that fit perfectly.6
  7. And taking those pair of torturous heels off and setting your poor, beautiful feet free.7
  8. Dancing around naked when no-one is on his home…9

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Choose Me Everyday ❤️‍ (or Leave Me)!

BryanThis is a blog post by Bryan Reeves, a regular contributor to various blogs worldwide, including Good Men Project, Elephant Journal, Raw Attraction Magazine; and Sexy Conscious Awake.

I spent 5 years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her.

I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly.

Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.

As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less.

I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.

bryan 3Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so … much … more.

Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wildly wonderful about her.

I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behaviour. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less.

Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.

She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you.

To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.

I realise now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.

Actually, I did abandon her.

By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her.

Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.

I’ll never not choose another woman I love again.

It’s torture for everyone.

If you’re in relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question:

“Why am I choosing my partner today?”

If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.”

If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.

bryan 2But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.

Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day.

You do, too.

Choose wisely. ॐ

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